27 Jun

what i feel is a light-headedness that is shadowed in tar. my body is uncertain – swaying left, right, up, and down – and the only thing keeping me grounded is this dense, sticky tar surrounding me. the tar is black upon black upon black. it makes it hard to move, to put one foot in front of the other. as soon as i seem to shake the tar, to break free from it for a millisecond, so that i return to my former naivete, it falls down back on my head, suffocating me.

this is what it feels like to know that my friend is dying. that she will soon be dead. at times i forget and i go back to my old happiness – it is so simple, that happiness, like a fluffy pink cloud – but the minute i realize what is going on across the ocean to her, i want to dissolve into the ground because of the weight of the tar on my head.

how can i handle this? for myself, yes, but mostly for her – because it isn’t about me. it is not about me. i’ll worry about me when she’s gone.
how do i make her smile, even laugh, during her final weeks? because that is what i’d like to do, above all. i know when i laugh, i forget about anything else for just a split second. but those split seconds do a wonder of good.

i will think.


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